“At least 15 people commit suicide in India every hour.” Honestly, for how many of us is this sentence blood curdling? I guess none, or just a few. The rest of us read this sentence sans emotion, just like we would read any other piece of news. Suicide has become so common and so often reported that our hearts and minds have been tempered to look past such incidences. Or dismiss it thinking, if only he was courageous, if only she was strong enough.
But what exactly goes on in the mind of someone who decides to end it? Is it noisy? Is it quiet? Are they sure? Or are they in a dilemma? Is it well thought out? Is it sudden? Is the thought liberating? Or is it enslaving?
No, I am not a psychiatrist. I’m not trying to study patterns. I am not trying to make inferences. I’m just another human reading all these suicide notes and trying to understand how a fellow human feels before dying one last time. I call this the final death because I believe all these people already died so many times that they don’t see value in life anymore.
It has become truly difficult to love without getting hurt…I can never recover from my childhood loneliness. The unappreciated child from my past…I am not sad. I am just empty.
V Rohith, a Dalit PhD scholar (30 January 1989 – 17 January 2016)
People kill themselves because the past hurts. What hurts more is, they can’t break free from it. The shadows from the past haunt them every day and every night. They are running in circles, like they have been held to a post by a leash. There’s only so far they can go.They have been too lonely too long. There are certificates. There’s knowledge. There’s skill. There’s a future. There’s hope. But above all that, there is emptiness. The kind that nulls out everything else. The kind that stands before them like a giant. A giant they aren’t prepared to fight.
What’s the use of living when my father and mother do not trust me?
Vinupriya, 21-year-old, commits suicide after her morphed photos surface on Facebook
People kill themselves because their morality has been questioned. On them is placed a blame, an unremovable stain that they just cannot live with. They are confronted with eyes that look on them with disgust. There’s no one to lend a ear. The pain of being distrusted by their own family is too hard to bear. Because facing death seems so much easier than facing the world and surviving.
Marrying Chawla was the worst mistake of my life. The experience has been painful and I cannot take the beating anymore.
Priyanka Chawla, model, commits suicide as a result of domestic violence
People kill themselves because they have had enough. Because the mental pain is so much more excruciating than the physical pain. They have made choices that they regret, the consequences of which break them and destroy them. All they see are walls, no doors, no windows, just walls that cannot be brought down. They sit and suffer hoping some day things and people will change. But when change is nowhere in sight, existence holds no meaning.
You may not have known this but you affected me deeply to a point where I lost myself in loving you…These days I see no light I wake up not wanting to wake up…I feel dead inside.
Jiah Khan, actress (February 20, 1988- June 3, 2013)
People kill themselves because they loved too much. Love that was trod upon and left unreciprocated. Their existence and happiness depended on that very love. When love should be the one thing brightening their days and their lives, it left them with darkness. This darkness along with the silence and indifference envelopes them and leaves them powerless. With the fading away of dreams, passions and goals, fades away the desire to live.
I’m sorry. All the noise in my head and the hatred in my heart, hatred for myself, is maddening…Sorry for being weak and not showing courage but I am tired now, no strength left…Shut coaching centres, they suck.
Kriti Tripathi, student, kills herself after cracking IIT-JEE, didn’t want to be an engineer
People kill themselves because they have no fight left in them. The pressure is too much and there is no time or place to vent it out. Mediocrity is looked down upon and personal passions don’t stand a chance against popular beliefs. People give up when something is forced upon them while they dream of doing something else, be it education, profession or marriage. Having to conform to the wishes of the near and dear, wanting out but not being able to voice that, they finally take the extreme step.
In short, people have their hopes pinned to some very temporary things- to other people, to dreams and desires, to places and opportunities, to efforts and outcomes. And when this hope comes down in shambles, they find nothing else to live for. Deep down, they are disappointed, hurt, empty and dead already. This is a very deep pit to fall into and once they are in, cries go unheard and they lose sight of the purpose they have been made for. Forgetting each one of us is irreplaceable, they fade away. And so the jigsaw will always be incomplete. Always.